Here, hold this.
Bailey, if you're trying to hide those hideous pants,
I can still see them.
We're gonna be in Rome, and the last thing pa told me before I left the farm
was to watch out for pickpockets in the big city.
And by big city, you mean...
Any place where the mayor is not a goose.
Note that the-- okay!
Mr. moseby?
No.
I didn't even say anything.
I don't care!
I'm on vacation.
But, Mr. moseby--
zip, zip, zip!
Zip, zip, zip is what I was trying to tell him.
His fly is open.
All right, now let's roam around Rome,
and look for Italian babes.
What are you doing?
Unwrapping.
( Whispering ) I have to go tinkle.
♪ Oh ay oh, oh ay oh ♪
♪ come along with me ♪
♪ and let's head out to see ♪
♪ what this world has ♪
♪ for you and for me now ♪
♪ whichever way the wind blows ♪
- ♪ we say... ♪ - ♪ hey-ho, let's go! ♪
- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ this boat's rocking ♪
- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ ain't no stopping us now♪
♪ 'cause we're living the suite life ♪
- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ this boat's rocking ♪
- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ rocking the whole world round ♪
♪ and we're living the suite life now ♪
♪ hey ho! Oh ay oh ♪
♪ let's go! ♪
London, I am sick of shopping.
You're not shopping, you're schlepping.
Yeah, about that--
shh.
( Singing in Italian )
No, no. I don't play for money.
I play for love.
( Gasps ) Love. I love love.
Bella.
( Giggles )
Actually, my name is London.
No, Bella means "pretty" in Italian.
I see you speak Italian.
As well as being able to carry
six times your weight in bags.
London, these are getting really heavy.
So take them back to the ship.
I am not your servant.
Here's 50 bucks.
Let me get that for you, ma'am.
Taxi!
So if you're interested, I just might know someone
who'd love to show you the sights.
Okay, but I was hoping you could do it.
Or I could do it.
Yay!
Luca!
Luca, what are you doing,
playing music in the street?
You do not respect your talent.
- But Uncle marcos-- - ah, ah, ah, ah!
You are a fendini, ah?
And the fendini plays only for popes,
prime ministers,
and that one time for David Beckham and posh spice.
But not to this common turista.
I am not a turista! I'm a libra!
Can't we just eat at one of the other
8,000 Italian restaurants we passed?
No, this restaurant is the best in all of Italy.
Chef gigi is the Michelangelo of manicotti.
I'm not in the mood for manicotti.
I'm not in the mood for you.
Excuse me, are you the maitre de?
I'm a-chef gigi.
I-I-I know.
My brother says you roll a mean meatball.
I'm sorry, my brother won't be eating tonight.
He already has his foot in his mouth.
Table for dos?
Of course.
Ah, I could squeeze you in at 7:30.
Perfect.
On November 16, 2023.
But that's in 15 years.
What if I don't feel like Italian that day?
Next!
Reservation for moseby.
( Moans )
Ah, right this way.
We're with him.
No, they're not.
You're welcome.
After the carpaccio,
I will have the calamari fritti.
Mr. moseby.
Moseby!
Moseby, I'm starving. Can we have dinner with you?
No!
But I want to eat here
more than anything in the world.
Well, then you should have made reservations 15 years ago.
We couldn't even talk 15 years ago.
What a wonderful time that must've been.
Please. Mr. moseby, from one gastronome to another--
don't call him a gnome! We're trying to get on his good side.
Look, there is only one chair.
Both: Thanks.
I'll have the prosciutto with melon.
And bring some ranch dressing so I can do a dipsky.
There is no lap-sitting in a four star restaurant.
You're right.
Cody: Fine.
Out. Get out of my restaurant!
No, I'm sorry. I didn't even see him standing there.
Please! Come on!
( Both shouting )
( Chuckles )
Thank you. Now I can finally enjoy my meal.
Him too.
But him did nothing!
I only had a breadstick!
I'll take a picture.
Thank you so much for buying me lunch, luca.
I mean, you're the first guy I've ever dated
who didn't forget their wallet.
When you're with me, you will not pay for a thing.
You're so sweet.
You know, I will be in America soon.
I've been accepted to Julliard to study music.
How do you say marvelous in Italian?
Maraviglioso.
Maravilosa.
No, maravigli-oh-so.
- Sah? - So.
So?
Your lips are so perfect.
Thank you.
Luca!
Luca, you should be practicing your guitar.
Well, I was practicing... Something else.
Listen, I forbid you to waste any more time with this...
This nouveau riche American girl.
I am not nouveau riche.
I am filthy riche!
This pizza in a cone is amazing.
It's all the fun of ice cream
with the nutritional goodness of pizza.
I will not put that garbage in my body.
Now let's look for gigi's dumpster. I want leftovers.
Gigi: Get out! You're fired!
You don't even know the difference
between a tortellini and a tortelloni.
I do.
Tortellini are ring-shaped pastas
stuffed with a meat and cheese,
tortelloni are round or rectangular,
stuffed with a mixture of cheese and vegetables.
And cowboy-ghetti has spaghetti-shaped lassos
and horse-shaped meatballs.
I'm desperate. You're hired.
You can help.
I think the cowboy-ghetti thing really put it over the top.
Thank goodness you finally took off that stupid plastic wrap.
Well, I had to.
That stuff was giving me a rash
so I replaced it with this money belt.
Well, see you later.
Luca texted me, and he should be here any minute.
He's defying his Uncle to see you?
How romantic.
It's not that romantic.
- Why not? - Because you're still here.
Right. Have fun.
- London. - Luca, oh, I'm so happy to see you.
London, I have terrible news.
( Gasps ) You don't like my new eye makeup?
No, my Uncle is very angry.
Because of my eye makeup?
Forget the eye makeup!
London, my Uncle has disowned me.
Luca, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
No, no. I'll be fine.
Instead of going to Julliard,
I can get a job scooping cheese at pizza in a cone.
Let me pay for music school.
No, I cannot allow that.
Please? I insist!
I could never!
I want to.
Okay.
But only as a loan, and I will pay you back.
Don't worry about it. Here's $20,000.
You carry $20,000 in your purse?
It's a small purse.
London, grazie mille.
You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'll take this money to the bank.
When will I see you again?
I'll meet you back here in an hour for dinner.
Perfect. Gives me enough time to change my eye makeup.
Bravo, luca.
Our plan, she work brilliantly.
Uncle, I must say this does not feel good.
It feels good to me.
Where's that money belt key?
I feel bad about what I did to London.
You never feel bad for the mark, eh?
To think my little nephew
conned $20,000 out of London tipton.
Tonight, bello! We eat like kings!
Pasta, with sauce!
And then maybe a meatball...
Hurry, hurry, hurry, huh?
No eating in the kitchen.
So we can't eat anything?
At the end of each night, the workers I have not fired
join me for a delicioso meal.
Usually I eat alone. Now start rolling dough!
I can't believe I'm next to
some of the best food in the world,
and I can't taste any of it.
But I can smell it.
( Snorts )
Ugh!
I got chili powder up my nose.
It burns!
Dude, just take a ravioli.
It's not like she has eyes in the back of her head.
Rolling!
London, we need to talk.
It's not easy for me to say,
and it won't be easy for you to hear.
It's about my eye makeup, isn't it?
I'm about to change it.
No, it's about luca.
He doesn't really like you,
he just likes your money.
Oh, Bailey.
Poor, jealous, badly-dressed Bailey.
I'm not jealous. It's true.
I overheard luca talking with his Uncle.
They're con men, and you're the mark.
No, Bailey. I'm the London.
You're not listening.
He took your money, and now he's gone.
You're never gonna see him again.
Yes, I am. He's crazy about me.
I'm getting ready for my date with him right now.
- But-- - Bailey, stay out of my love life.
I know what I'm doing.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go freshen up.
Wrong door.
( Crying )
So it wasn't bad enough you took her money,
now you gotta break her heart?
We have a word for people like you back on the farm.
"Icky!"
I know.
And then you come back to gloat and watch her cry.
You're worse than icky. You're super-icky.
I know.
And another thing--
what do you mean, "I know?"
I am super-icky.
The truth is it all started as a scam,
but then I really fell for London.
You have a strange way of showing it.
I know. I have ruined everything.
How can I prove to London that I really love her?
You can start by returning her money.
I wish I could, but my Uncle marcos has it.
Then we'll just have to figure out a way to get it back.
That might not be so easy.
Taking money, he likes.
Giving it back, not so much.
Luca!
Luca, this had better be important.
I was in the middle of selling the Venus de milo
for the fifth time this week.
Forget that. We're gonna make so much money,
we can buy the real statue and put arms on her.
Now you are talking.
What are you talking about?
Uncle marcos, I want you to meet Naomi Wyoming.
Marcos: What?
Hey, y'all!
Is she rich?
Marcos: What scam are we going to use this week?
No, no, no. This is legit.
Naomi's the biggest pop star in America.
Listen, I heard your nephew singing on the street,
and he is hotter than a strip mall parking lot
under the noon day Texas sun. Ow!
Naomi says I could be a big star,
and make big money.
Big.
Big. I like big.
You've seen your aunt.
My producer is coming by to sign luca right now.
You are gonna love little mose.
Little mose? Who is he?
Moseby: Only the hottest rapper to ever bless a beat!
Slide. Ooh.
What's up, girl?
( Groans )
So what's good, homie?
You are a big star?
The biggest. I have all his cds.
Remember when you say "turn that noise down?"
He was the noise.
Oh.
Listen up. It goes like this.
Your nephew's got talents for reals!
Yo, I can blow him up.
What? Blow him up?
Why would you do such a thing?
Oh, no, no. You're not understand--
I mean, you don't know what I'm saying, player.
I can make luca stacks of paper.
- Money. - Dinero.
Euros.
Both: Holla!
Really? Well, why don't you tell me
how you can make my nephew a big star over dinner at gigi's?
Get us in there, little mose.
Oh, okay.
Yo, yo!
It's gigi.
Do I know you?
This little mose.
Yeah, and you best be gettin' a table for me and my partners.
Sorry, we full.
You can't be.
Little mose is the hottest rapper in the world.
Y'all must know his smash single "bang, bang."
( No audible dialogue )
Perhaps if I heard a few bars.
Oh, well, you know, I'd spit it out freestyle, but we ain't got a beat.
I got your back.
( Beatboxing )
I'm gonna get you back!
♪ Bang, bang, on my neighbor's door ♪
♪ can I borrow some sugar? ♪
♪ gotta make it to the store ♪
♪ having a dinner party, gonna have baked Alaska ♪
♪ I really hope it don't turn into a fiasca ♪
♪ yeah, and word, word, word. ♪
Whoo!
You are good.
Take this table.
It was reserved for the prime minister,
but he doesn't have a hit song.
Hey, look. It's frosty the dough man.
Now he's dead as a dough-nail.
He was so young!
Would you quit goofing around?
I don't want to get fired before we eat.
I've never eaten at a four-star restaura...
( Gasps )
She got the coveted fifth star.
I wanna touch it.
I barely touched it. I held my breath.
Looks like she's back down to four stars.
Not that I'm surprised with a careless kitchen staff.
I can't find it! It's too deep!
Give me a boost!
Gigi: My Linguini ready yet?!
Oops.
What are you doing?
I just added a little something extra to the sauce.
You don't touch my sauce!
Sorry, I'll get it out.
Yeah.
I have tomato in places tomato should never be.
I'm watching you.
I have the star!
Help me out of this thing.
Hold me, hold me.
- She's turning around! - I'm slipping!
Hey, look. It's Cody cacciatore.
Cody, quit kidding around.
You are fired! You will never taste my food.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Ow, I bit my skin.
When does the money start to roll in?
Oh, slow down, dawg.
You gotta roll some out first.
Studio time ain't free.
Shoot. We gonna need like 2o gs to cut a demo.
Gs?
20 large, buckaroo.
Does anybody speak English?
$20,000.
Holy cannoli, luca.
Well, I thought the same thing when mose discovered me.
We had to sell our last cow to pay for my demo.
We lost the moo, but we got the moola!
Oh, girl.
Please, Uncle marcos. This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
We have the money.
Luca, I don't know.
You know what, I am tired of this noise.
I gotta go hear a beatboxer in Barcelona.
I am outtie.
Oh, he's outtie.
- Uncle marcos. - Okay, okay.
Marcos: No, no!
I cannot let an opportunity like this go by.
I-- I have the money. Right here.
Ha! All here.
All right, I will hook you up when I get back to my crib.
Let's go, let's go.
Luca? You're four minutes late!
Ooh, not the big hand. Four hours late!
London, amore mio.
Oh, don't you "amore mio" me.
You're scamming another girl?
Hey, I have those same sunglasses.
These are your sunglasses.
It's me. Bailey.
What is going on here?
Ha! We just scammed the scammer.
( Chuckles )
Hey!
Good boy, luca.
You have the money, now run!
Run-- this way!
Here's your money back, London.
No, luca! Mezzo pazzo?
I'm sorry, Uncle marcos!
I cannot be a con man anymore.
I want to make an honest living.
Where did I go wrong with you?
London, I am so sorry.
I know you can never forgive me.
Yes, I can!
Thanks, Bailey. Thanks, whoever you are.
But, London, I was dishonest,
and I took all that money from you.
Look, it was never about the money.
I mean, $20,000?
I just threw more than that in the trevi fountain.
( People shouting )
So, I want to hear more of this cowboy-ghetti.
Fantastic. Comes in two flavors.
Tangy tomater and blazin' barbecue!
But, you know, your stuff is a close second.
Grazie. Now, mangiare, my little zucchini.
( No audible dialogue )